I have to bring my mom to the airport. I have to clean my house. I have to do my paperwork. I have to get my project done. I have to lose this weight. I have to stay away from sugar. I have to drink more water. I should exercise more. I could have done that way better. He should have said thank you . They should be more active in the family. She could work harder. They aren’t appreciative at all. He doesn’t understand me. I’ll be happy when I reach my goal.
Do you notice the commonality of the words written above? In each of these sentences there is an avoidance of taking responsibility of how we are shaping and creating our lives. None of them are empowering, and we all either say them, hear them or think them each and everyday.
For years I went around saying, I have to do this, I have to do that. Do you know how much that inspired me to complete my to do list? NOT AT ALL. Instead, the desired action items sat like a monkey on my back and got a little heavier every time I would think, “I have to/I should.” This way of operating was a great recipe for anxiety and feeling as though I was caged and overwhelmed. It was also a great way to feel so buried and lifeless that I would rather hide my face in social media or a 1/2 gallon of ice cream from that moment to eternity.
All of these should and have to’s, whether thought or said aloud, lead me into an anxious and overwhelmed state that I wanted to escape from. In turn, it created unintended, undesirable results throughout my life.
It’s unreal how one measly sentence can have so much effect on my life, isn’t it?
You may be thinking, I don’t say or think these things. There is a small possibility that you don’t. However, like I have said before, you don’t know what you don’t know. Until I started practicing meditation and awareness training, I thought my self talk was decent, but I was unaware of the undesired results I had been creating. Especially when it came to my relationships. I would always have an opinion, she should have, they should have…. Without consciously intending it, I alienated most of the people around me, because they didn’t fit in the box of what I deemed “acceptable behaviors.” So, not only was I walking around with an increasingly heavy monkey on my back, I was also disqualifying the people around me because they weren’t up to par.
The language of my past is clearly summed up by, I am not good enough, therefore you are not good enough. Our world is just a reflection of our internal state, more to come in a future blog. 🙂 This inadequacy of myself and everyone around me was my comfort zone. If I kept living out of this mindset, I could remain checked out and I didn’t have to get close to anyone. Which was great when I was in survival mode, but do you know what these thoughts, emotions and behaviors left me with? A whole lot of fear, emptiness, sadness and depression. That is a HUGE price to pay all in the name of language, my friends.
When I say “I have to” or “I should”, I make myself a victim. Reality says that I don’t HAVE to do anything. I am choosing to do every single thing that I do in my life. How do we create language that empowers and allows us to take responsibility for every ounce of space we take up here on earth? After all, this is where our power lies. First of all, re-evaluate. If you feel burdened and uninspired by your commitments, maybe it’s time to re-examine each of them. Are they commitments that help you to function at your best level? Do they support you in being the best version of yourself and those around you to be that as well? If not, maybe you have been doing them for the wrong reason, out of habit or people pleasing. If the answer to the question is not a HECK YES, and it’s not supporting you or others to be your best version, then it’s a 100% NO and needs to go. Our time is limited and if you are saying yes to an activity or commitment that doesn’t enhance your life, then you are saying no to yourself, your family and your dreams. That is too big of a price to pay.
However, if it does enhance your life, how might you change your words to make the most out of that activity? How can I have fun while I am doing laundry this afternoon? How can I make doing my paper work more enjoyable? Perhaps, put on some good tunes, some energizing aromatherapy and plan something super fun to do following the paperwork? Also, consider using the words, “I get to” when talking about your chosen commitments. As I said earlier, it’s great to edit your time and chosen activities on a regular basis. After you determine which are going to stay, figure out a way to best embrace them and make them more enjoyable. After all, doesn’t, “I get get to do the errands and how can I make it the most enjoyable time possible?” feel better than, “I have to do the errands now?”
In regards to how we think and talk about others, consider that every person is doing the very best they possibly can in every moment. This is a perspective I adopted about 10 years ago and it has helped to free me up so much. Anytime my mind goes to he should have, I can’t believe they didn’t, etc., I simply remind myself that each person is doing the best they can with what they have. If you can’t adopt this mindset, I would urge you to really reflect on where you aren’t giving yourself love and grace. If we can’t give it to others, we aren’t giving it to ourselves.
As I leave you, I encourage you to take some time and listen to your thoughts and what you are saying to yourself. What words do you use when you talk to yourself in your thought world? What words are you using when you think of others? And of course, what words are you saying about yourself and others aloud, consistently? These words have shaped and reinforced your current reality. The ultimate question is, what words are going to help you to create the life of your dreams?