Who is getting the best of you?

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn.  This quote rocked my world a few years back.  I had never examined my life in a way to determine which relationships were serving my best self and my vision.

You see, I come from a place of people pleasing, one which acceptance meant everything.  This also meant that I stayed in relationships that were not the best for either party, all in the name of acceptance.  However, this was an inauthentic way of being in relationship with the people around me, it was out of my own need for acceptance, that I had never given myself.  If a relationship is going to serve me in being my best, and the other person in turn, it’s a win-win.

One of my favorite teachers, Lisa Nichols, talks about having two rooms of people you surround yourself with in life.  One room is filled with people that you can help, teach and help to achieve their goals and the other is one who have far surpassed your own goals, almost out of your league.  The latter room, is the room that will help you reach for uncomfortable goals, one in which your silence is most valuable, because what they say will help you grow immensely.  I love this point she makes, because we can always be contributing to others and growing in this place.

And so, now I regularly assess who I spend my time with.  Asking myself, is this relationship supporting my best self and supporting the other person to be there best?

The fact that we become who we spend the most time with is so pivotal to our lives.  Do they share the same values?  Are they led by their spirit or their wound?  Are they a positive influence on my life?  Are their dreams big?  We all go through tough times, when we aren’t on point, but in general, I want to make sure these individuals align with my vision.  I want to be able to go to any one of them when I’m feeling a bit lost and be able to gain their insight, knowing it’s on point, because we share the same values and they support me attaining my vision.

This quote and the awareness training that I have taken part of, created a whole new set of questions in my life.  Such as, is the music I’m listening to supporting my vision?  Are the books I read and the movies I watch supporting my best self?  Are the minutes of my day used to create infrastructure to help me achieve my dreams?

Our time and energy are so precious and these questions are some of the most important that you can ask yourself, in my opinion.  So my friends,  are the five people you spend the most time with building you up and supporting your best self?   Is the time you spend focused on giving you the support you need to succeed greatly?  Is what you consume media wise giving you more life or weighing you down?

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WANT A BETTER LIFE? READ THIS.

Just the other day my son, who is almost 5 years old, said, “you guys hurt my feelings.”  I replied by saying, “I’d like to talk about that.”  He said, “well, only I can hurt my feelings.”  And I said, “wouldn’t you rather choose to feel something different?”  He closed the conversation by saying, “yes, to have fun.”

I am not telling you this story to toot my own horn about my parenting skills.  In all honesty, I’m not sure he entirely understands the concept behind the conversation, and I fall short as a parent on a daily basis.

It took me at least 35 years to actually understand and embody this principle.  Even still, I have to remind myself of it quite often.   That noone else can make me feel or do anything.

I have heard so many phrases throughout my lifetime such as: I can’t exercise or eat any different than I am now, I don’t have time.  Or she hurt my feelings so much, I won’t be able to forgive her.  Let’s break these statements down.  I can’t exercise or eat any different than I am now, I don’t have time might as well be rephrased as I choose to place other things above my  health.  She hurt my feelings so much and I won’t be able to forgive her, simply means that this person is choosing to hold onto the the hurt, because essentially no one can hurt us unless we decide we are going to be hurt.  And as we all know, unforgiveness only really hurts the person that is not forgiving and is holding onto the pain.  We have all said statements like these and we will continue to relinquish our power if we keep saying and believing them.

As most of you know, the society that we live in most often portrays individuals blaming others for their difficulties, blaming others for their own choices that ended up giving them results contrary to what they want in their life.

There are so many situations that point to the lack of responsibility and “victim mentality” that is so dominant in our society.  One incident that comes to mind, among the many cases in which people have sued because of their choice that gave them unwanted results, is the lawsuit involving Nutella. Long story short, a class action lawsuit was settled over the company’s claims to being a healthy spread, and the judge favored with a parent who claimed she was tricked into believing Nutella was, in fact, good for her children.  Subsequently, Nutella doled out a total of 3.05 million in this lawsuit.  This is just one of many cases out there in which the individuals didn’t assume responsibility for their choices.

I can think of so many times in my life when I’ve used other people or situations in my life as a reason not to take 100% responsibility for the results I was getting.  In my opinion, it’s almost second nature, it’s an easy way out.  To base how much effort I put into a relationship on how much effort the other person is putting in.  To wait for a sign from God that ensures that I am making the right decision.  To see how people around me react before putting both feet into my business or other interests.  To make my family an excuse as to why I don’t have time to succeed in friendships, in business and any other area.  These reasons leave me powerless by not taking full responsibilty to create the life I want.

This path is the easiest way out, but also the path with less meaning and less fulfillment.  To me, to own every inch of my space, creating my life exactly how I want from the inside out, without depending on the outside world to validate or contribute is true success and a representation of what it means to go “all in.”

No-one can be the cause of our thoughts, feelings or actions, and that, when I think about it, is so liberating.  We get to decide what we will make everything, that is said and done, mean.

So, my friends, I encourage you to join me on this quest of creating a space for yourself to soar, based on a foundation on which we own all of our power, by being aware of the thoughts, emotions and choices we are creating.  A journey where failure is just a lesson and a stepping stone to our greatest dreams and desires.

I leave you with this question, in what area of your life are you giving your power away by blaming someone or using a situation as an excuse for not taking 100% responsibility for your results?   How could  you chose to view everything that happens in your life in an empowering way?

Live like you are dying

 Begin with the end in mind.  I always seem to stumble back to the idea that we all have an expiration date and no-one knows when that time may be. Ultimately, we all have a limited time here on earth.  I have always had this perspective, but it has been reinforced in the past few years , since I lost my step father (age 58)  in March of 2014, watched my dear friend lose her 14-year-old in October of 2014, and lost my best friend (age 36) in March of 2015.

 These thoughts of my mortality come up the most when I feel like I’ve lost my compass, if you will.  In real-time, this looks like perfectionism, especially in the realm of appearance.  Perfectionism has been my kryptonite, my distraction, my black hole.  My default setting when things feel a bit out of control, is to hold up a magnifying glass to my appearance.  How can I be leaner, have more definition, less wrinkles, thicker hair, and fewer gray ones? How can I be outwardly perfect, because, everyone knows that if one looks perfect, even if other stuff seems to be out of control, life will be all rainbows and daisies.  (I’ve tested this by doing figure competitions, when I got down to my all time leanest and was perfect by my standard, and  I was probably the most broken during those times).

On my quest for physical perfection there was always another level up I could work towards, so I never met the mark.  This set me up on my default hamster wheel, of trying to be perfect with my food, exercise and all things related.  However, perfect doesn’t exist.  It has kept me distracted and so busy that I haven’t been able to enjoy anything. It’s a wheel because the flip side to perfect food intake and black and white thinking, as I’ve mentioned before, is an overabundance of peanut butter and the like.  This was a perfect buffer instead of facing the world and my reality.  But the scariest part of this, is the price it has cost  myself and my world.  Coming from this place, there is an absence of self-love and acceptance,  and I reflect that outwardly.  I am extra hard on myself and everyone around me.  I temporarily forget what matters most.  My relationships become shallow and any fun to be had disappears.

 Ultimately, when I think about the most important core values in my life; my relationships, growth, helping others, leaving a legacy, and the hamster wheel of numbing out, I think about how far apart these two worlds are from one another.  That’s when I typically start asking myself what legacy do I want to leave?  If I’m blessed enough to live into my 90’s, I want to be able to look back and smile about how I took risks, by staying off the buffering hamster wheel and because I chose to create the most exciting story possible.  I know for certain, if I do get to 90 years old, the more I see of memories on the hamster wheel, otherwise known as an illusion of safety, control, and protection from being hurt, the more disappointment and regret I will feel.

  Does the best version of myself require a food plan and an active life?  You bet it does!  But it’s the space from which I implement those two things that matters most.  It’s crucial that I am constantly aware of where my self-love and acceptance meter is.  This is my indication of how close I am to hopping onto the buffering hamster wheel.  If it gets low, I’m in need of tending to myself more and in need of the reality check of how I want to remember my life and to be remembered.

 So, my question to you is, what does your hamster wheel look like?  Mine has included many things along the way, my list includes, but is not limited to:  Facebook, obsessive cleaning, spending way too much time on Amazon reviews and creating a life that is too busy to feel anything.

  Numbing or buffering comes in many packages, it can look like too much shopping, too much gambling, too much Television (Netflix, News, ESPN or anything!) , too much focus on helping other people (including family, possibly known as co–dependency. )  In other words, too much of anything can be buffering.  I have heard many people state how there are better ways to handle stress, such as working out.  I would agree, working out is healthier than smoking, but too much of anything is going to keep all of us playing small and selling short.  What are the possibilities for each of us if , instead of escaping, we put our time and energy into our dreams and deepest desires?

 It is the tendency of many to want to avoid the lower emotions in life; sadness, anxiety, depression and anger to name a few.  And so, we grab a bottle,  drown ourselves in candy crush, or any other activity we can think of to replace feeling those feelings.  The activities we choose to help numb us out rob us of our precious time here friends.

 I urge you to identify what you use to numb yourself as an alternative to feeling those lower emotions.  Most of us have something.  The world needs more of us who are engaged, vulnerable and awake.  I truly believe there could be a massive shift in the way the world operates if we could learn how to process our lower emotions, while remaining present and intentional to our dreams.

  If you were to pass right now, what would you be remembered for?  Is it a legacy you would be proud of?  Are your relationships where you want them?  Will you be able to reflect at 90 years old on a fulfilling life, one in which you gave up your numbing agents and became fully engaged?

 

Are you decaying or improving?

It’s 6:20 am on the Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend and our smoke alarms start to go off, going from the chirp (indicate needing a battery replacement), to a full on scream to let us know there may be a fire present. You have all been there and know that it is impossible to sleep through such noise and quite frankly, it’s alarming, as it’s intended to be. And because situations like this occur at the most inconvenient times, my 4-year-old and I were up trying to remedy the issue, as my husband was out-of-town for the weekend. Although this was a minor inconvenience and some lost hours of sleep, it made me think about how easy it is to go about life in the same manner regarding some our most important values as we do our smoke detectors. I would have to guess that at least 50% of the population are not proactive about replacing their smoke alarm batteries once a year as recommended. They, like we did, wait until they start to hear a chirp, that annoys them enough to fix the issue. That being said, not one of us can deny the importance of these little devices to ensure that we are safe, but ignore them until they are an inconvenience to us.

In the same way most of us don’t replace our batteries in our smoke detectors once a year, we seemingly go through life without regularly re-assessing where we currently are and what improvements need to be made to keep our most important values in life, working well and thriving. However, one thing that always comes to mind is the principle that nothing ever remains the same. At any given moment, we or anything else in life, is either getting better or worse. Stagnation doesn’t exist, we live in a world of constant decay or improvement. If we don’t take care of our relationships or our health, they are on the decline. It may be a slow decline, but it is a decline. I have done this in several areas along the way. From not nurturing certain relationships, to not feeding my own marriage enough, the beeps have gone off on both, alarming me that I need to feed those areas before they experience an even greater decline.

Sometimes, it’s a quiet chirp, every so often, one that you hear and know that it needs to be tended to, but not enough to change or address right away. You may even claim that you don’t hear a chirp, but there are always little signs of which direction your life is going in regards to relationships, your health or any other area of importance. In this high pace culture we live in, it’s easy to not slow down enough to notice these signs, but they are there as important feedback if you take a moment to notice.

One experience that comes to mind as I reflect on my life when I didn’t respect the signs of where my body was at and ignored my intuition, is when I blew my knee out. This was one of my greatest wake up calls, after not listening to the small voice inside of me that told me that I was too tired to go skiing. I had over trained the day before and I kept second guessing my decision to go skiing, but ultimately ignored my inner chirp/voice that was warning me not to go on that certain day back in January of 2009. And because I decided I needed to tough it out and go, on my third run of that morning, my ski tips crossed, kept crossing, until I heard 2 distinct pops, indicating I had annihilated my knee. That was the last time I ignored my inner chirp/voice.

Whether it be your relationship that hasn’t been fed and in only a matter of time is about to fall apart, or you’ve ignored your body’s demand for quality food for too many years and are on the brink of type 2 diabetes or a heart attack, every seemingly little decision you make on a daily basis can lead to a major consequence down the road. Are the, “small choices” that you make every day leading you to the destination you want to go? As I mentioned before, sometimes we feel as though we don’t hear a “chirp” alarming us to pay attention to these important things and one day the big event occurs; the divorce, the bankruptcy, the heart attack, the loss of a loved one that we last spoke to in a disagreeable manner, etc.. The most important underpinnings that guide your life are your core values. Ask yourself this: are your core values in you life on the decline or are they improving?

Fill Your Cup

It’s all too easy to wake up, my feet hitting the floor, scroll through notifications on my phone, respond to messages and herein begins the monkey brain of reactivity, putting out fires and my life living me, instead of me living my life.  From here, my day is a day of reaction instead of intention.  Old patterns come back all too easily and I am in a state of reeling, feeling as though I am short-changing myself, because I am not listening to my inner voice and not feeding my soul what it needs.  It’s as though I wake up with a candle burning inside of me and if I choose not to pay attention to it, it ultimately dies out.  My life played out this way is similar to a pinball.  I am not directing it, but I am allowing outside forces to determine what’s important and worthy of my attention.  And this, my friends, is a waste of a life in my mind.  To let the outside world dictate what I focus on and what I strive towards is a life empty of depth and self expression.

All too often, we go about life, operating from an empty cup, wondering why our heart doesn’t seem as full and alive or why our passion for life is next to nothing.  Pay attention to your inner voice, for this is the voice that sets you apart and will help you fulfill your dreams and enjoy your life to the fullest.  Honor that voice, feed that voice, and love that voice, for that voice is your life line.

After spending a large portion of my life depleted and similar to a pinball, I have found that filling my own cup is a necessity.  My self-care and time of re-centering happens early in the morning before my family wakes up.  It is here that I do my daily devotional, journal and meditate.  These three things ground me and feed that candle to burn brightly the whole day through.

From this place of being replenished I am able to be in tune with myself throughout my day.   If I have my time of re-centering, it comes natural to me to be aware if my reserves are feeling depleted.  However, I am not always able to make the realization ahead of time that I am in need of some self care. One of the red flags is if I find myself getting irritable with my son or husband, or feeling overwhelmed, then I know I need to fill my cup more than I have been.  Usually, what I need most during those moments is time with a girlfriend, whether it be on the phone or in person, or a little downtime at the coffee shop, journaling and reading.

In one of my favorite books, The Mastery of Love, by Miguel Ruiz, he talks about making sure your cup is full.  He uses the analogy of having a magical kitchen.  If your kitchen is complete you will be able to share food with everyone you meet and not need anyone’s food.  However, if your kitchen is lacking food/spices, you will do whatever it takes to get the food that you don’t have in your own kitchen.   He likens this to love.  In my own experience, if I am not filling my own cup and re-centering myself each day, I look outside of me for what I am missing.  It leaves me looking for external validation, approval and love.  Because this can never be met by another individual other than myself, I’m left feeling empty, let down and in a victim position.  Which in turn makes me want to avoid these feelings on a deeper level and old patterns tend to resurface if I am not conscious and intentional.  Old patterns of wanting to escape this feeling  of “depleted/low”  lead me to busyness, perfectionism and more peanut butter than any one human being needs.  Ultimately,  none of these numbing tactics fill the hole that can only be filled with self-care and self-love and I end up feeling even more empty on the other side.

Filling my cup and getting my “me time” is one small piece of my day, but truly the most important piece that sets me up to be the best version of myself.  It enables me to be the best wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, coach and individual that I can possibly be.  It allows me to contribute to the world from the highest level, to make the biggest difference, to play “all out.”

So, my readers, I will leave you with this food for thought.  What are you doing on a daily basis that is filling your own cup and setting you up to be the best version of yourself?  Have you convinced yourself that you aren’t able to make yourself a priority in this season of your life?  Or that you don’t really need it?  I am not sure what filling your cup means to each of you, it looks different for each person.  I know as a momma, it can be challenging, but even 5 minutes can help to feed your soul and make all the difference.  Go fill your cups my friends!  The world needs more of this.

A Trip to the Grocery Store and a Hug from a Stranger

My typical trip to the grocery store looks a little something like this: I have my list of items, go as fast as I possibly can through the store and find the fastest possible checkout line. Sometimes I’ll even put a podcast on during that time. Lately however, I have been intentional about focusing on the task at hand and being fully present in most everything I do. I’m certainly glad I chose to do this during my trip to the store this afternoon. If I hadn’t chosen to be present, I would have missed out on a touching connection and a hug from a stranger.

I had only needed one item on this trip to the store. I was headed towards the checkout line, when a woman, presumably in her 60’s, was headed towards the same one. She had a basket with several items and appeared to be anxious and hurried. I told her that I had plenty of time and to feel free to go ahead of me. She replied by saying, “you can tell that I am stressed, can’t you? “ She went on to tell me how she had recently moved her mom into a nursing facility and that her husband was also in one. Tears streamed down her face as she told me how overwhelmed with sadness she has been. Other than just listen to her story and give her the space to feel and cry, I asked her if I could give her a hug. She answered my question with a yes, and it was the longest hug that I have ever experienced with a stranger. After our interaction, I paid for my item and exited the grocery store. My thoughts instantly drifted to wonder how many moments I have missed out on like this, because I was in a hurry, distracted, or simply not present .

I don’t tell this story to make myself look good, but to share a moment that truly inspired me to want to be more present, more open, more giving, more caring and more connected. To me, these are the moments that give life depth and meaning.

Whether it be noticing when my son may need a little extra encouragement, my friend could use some time infused with fun, or a stranger might need a hug, these are the moments I don’t want to miss out on because I am too busy trying to finish my to-do list or too unaware because I am focused on the past or the future. I wouldn’t trade completing my to do list any day for a meaningful connection.

To the woman in the grocery store, thank you for the hug. To my readers, are you missing out on these special moments? When you look back on your life, what do you want to see more of; more accomplishments, knowing that you were really productive and successful by worldly standards or that you truly touched and possibly inspired the people around you?


The Breakup

Dear Defeat,
You have been a frequent visitor of mine over the past 40 years. A visitor that I’ve welcomed in, that I have offered a comfy seat, as well as a meal. At times you’ve shown up in my life as discouragement because I didn’t meet my expectations. Because, as a perfectionist, I could never quite meet the bar and so I welcomed you in, inevitably knowing that you would show up. You have, in a way, convinced me that I am in control by allowing you to stay in my life. This is true, I am in control of my self sabotaging behaviors that I run towards when I have you around. I haven’t wanted to feel your presence and have all too often turned to your cousin apathy, numbing myself by staying too busy or indulging myself in whatever craving I might have been having in that moment.

I have exchanged so much of my life by welcoming you in and being more than tolerant to your presence.

So, this is a break up letter. I know you will show up at my door, maybe for the rest of my life. I will choose to acknowledge you, but I will no longer welcome you in. In previous visits, I’ve allowed you to steal my love, my joy and my passion. I am writing to tell you that my one life is way too precious to give away to anything other than love, joy and the very best that I have to give.

In closing, thank you for showing me what doesn’t work and what I want to hold onto and create in my life.
Beyond grateful,
Jen

When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself to be as transparent as I could possibly be. I want to help others and I know that being transparent and vulnerable is the only way that I can do that.

These past four to six weeks have been a struggle for me. Probably since I first published this blog. Defeat has come to visit nearly everyday as well as apathy, all too often. My old thought patterns of not being good enough, coupled with, “who do I think I am that I may be able to help other people?” have in many ways crippled me, making me more anxious than I’d like to admit.

In fact, I was on the verge of skipping my entry this week. I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t matter, that I am not really helping anyone. Then, the fighter in me came out. The one that knows how fragile and precious this one life is. The one who will continue blogging and being vulnerable, even if it only helps one person. Because, whoever you might be, YOU are worth it. YOU are worth SO very much. Inside of you lies the power to change the world, to spread love, to create a movement, to love on the broken and to rebuild lives.

So, my friends, my message to you is that each and every one of you matter, so incredibly much. Do you have a visitor like defeat that you have been welcoming in? It is so human to carry these emotional patterns and definitely not something to judge yourself for, trust me, I’ve been down that road and it is a dead-end.  Is it time to break up with your visitor? To notice if they show up, but not welcome them in. The awareness of their presence is your golden ticket. If you can notice when they show up, you have a choice at that point whether or not to invite them in or to simply notice them and then turn away creating what you want for this one precious life that you have.

Language

I have to bring my mom to the airport. I have to clean my house. I have to do my paperwork. I have to get my project done. I have to lose this weight. I have to stay away from sugar. I have to drink more water. I should exercise more. I could have done that way better. He should have said thank you . They should be more active in the family. She could work harder. They aren’t appreciative at all. He doesn’t understand me. I’ll be happy when I reach my goal.

Do you notice the commonality of the words written above? In each of these sentences there is an avoidance of taking responsibility of how we are shaping and creating our lives. None of them are empowering, and we all either say them, hear them or think them each and everyday.

For years I went around saying, I have to do this, I have to do that. Do you know how much that inspired me to complete my to do list? NOT AT ALL. Instead, the desired action items sat like a monkey on my back and got a little heavier every time I would think, “I have to/I should.” This way of operating was a great recipe for anxiety and feeling as though I was caged and overwhelmed. It was also a great way to feel so buried and lifeless that I would rather hide my face in social media or a 1/2 gallon of ice cream from that moment to eternity.

All of these should and have to’s, whether thought or said aloud, lead me into an anxious and overwhelmed state that I wanted to escape from. In turn, it created unintended, undesirable results throughout my life.

It’s unreal how one measly sentence can have so much effect on my life, isn’t it?

You may be thinking, I don’t say or think these things. There is a small possibility that you don’t. However, like I have said before, you don’t know what you don’t know. Until I started practicing meditation and awareness training, I thought my self talk was decent, but I was unaware of the undesired results I had been creating. Especially when it came to my relationships. I would always have an opinion, she should have, they should have…. Without consciously intending it, I alienated most of the people around me, because they didn’t fit in the box of what I deemed “acceptable behaviors.” So, not only was I walking around with an increasingly heavy monkey on my back, I was also disqualifying the people around me because they weren’t up to par.

The language of my past is clearly summed up by, I am not good enough, therefore you are not good enough. Our world is just a reflection of our internal state, more to come in a future blog. 🙂 This inadequacy of myself and everyone around me was my comfort zone. If I kept living out of this mindset, I could remain checked out and I didn’t have to get close to anyone. Which was great when I was in survival mode, but do you know what these thoughts, emotions and behaviors left me with? A whole lot of fear, emptiness, sadness and depression. That is a HUGE price to pay all in the name of language, my friends.

When I say “I have to” or “I should”, I make myself a victim. Reality says that I don’t HAVE to do anything. I am choosing to do every single thing that I do in my life. How do we create language that empowers and allows us to take responsibility for every ounce of space we take up here on earth? After all, this is where our power lies. First of all, re-evaluate. If you feel burdened and uninspired by your commitments, maybe it’s time to re-examine each of them. Are they commitments that help you to function at your best level? Do they support you in being the best version of yourself and those around you to be that as well? If not, maybe you have been doing them for the wrong reason, out of habit or people pleasing. If the answer to the question is not a HECK YES, and it’s not supporting you or others to be your best version, then it’s a 100% NO and needs to go. Our time is limited and if you are saying yes to an activity or commitment that doesn’t enhance your life, then you are saying no to yourself, your family and your dreams. That is too big of a price to pay.

However, if it does enhance your life, how might you change your words to make the most out of that activity? How can I have fun while I am doing laundry this afternoon? How can I make doing my paper work more enjoyable? Perhaps, put on some good tunes, some energizing aromatherapy and plan something super fun to do following the paperwork? Also, consider using the words, “I get to” when talking about your chosen commitments.  As I said earlier,  it’s great to edit your time and chosen activities on a regular basis. After you determine which are going to stay, figure out a way to best embrace them and make them more enjoyable. After all, doesn’t, “I get get to do the errands and how can I make it the most enjoyable time possible?” feel better than, “I have to do the errands now?”

In regards to how we think and talk about others, consider that every person is doing the very best they possibly can in every moment. This is a perspective I adopted about 10 years ago and it has helped to free me up so much. Anytime my mind goes to he should have, I can’t believe they didn’t, etc., I simply remind myself that each person is doing the best they can with what they have. If you can’t adopt this mindset, I would urge you to really reflect on where you aren’t giving yourself love and grace. If we can’t give it to others, we aren’t giving it to ourselves.

As I leave you, I encourage you to take some time and listen to your thoughts and what you are saying to yourself. What words do you use when you talk to yourself in your thought world? What words are you using when you think of others? And of course, what words are you saying about yourself and others aloud, consistently? These words have shaped and reinforced your current reality. The ultimate question is, what words are going to help you to create the life of your dreams?


Are you feeding your soul or starving it?

Do you run your life according to a checklist, a to do list? Do you listen to what your heart desires? Or do you fill all of the space up with noise, music, TV, podcasts, other people and being so busy you don’t have to hear that one small voice?

Most of us have defining moments from which we unconsciously create a pattern that enables us to survive anything difficult in our lives. Mine came after my parents divorce, when I decided I wasn’t good enough and that I couldn’t handle pain. From an early age I used perfectionism, exercise and food to hide behind my pain. I convinced myself that what I wanted didn’t matter, that I really didn’t matter. Becoming so focused on my external environment, I was able to create layers and layers that numbed out the discomfort that I felt from my earliest experiences with pain. I was able to starve it, so I didn’t have to feel pain, but in doing so I also temporarily drowned my inner voice.

You see, I come from a family who thinks the busier and more productive you are, the more of a contribution you are to your family, society, etc. God forbid you don’t stay productive 24/7, that would mean you are lazy and not worth anything.   This family pattern merged well with the one I had unconsciously created to distract me from being present to my pain.  For years I was lead by lists, goals and accomplishments that sounded good on paper. I had structured my calendar so much and booked myself so full, that I wouldn’t have idle time when my feelings could actually catch up with me.

I spent years trying to avoid the pain of not feeling good enough. If I did have some down time and encountered feelings that I was uncomfortable having, I would quickly block them out by planning my next goal, turning to a jar of peanut butter or by getting stuck in analysis paralysis about the next step I needed to make in my life, or in beating myself up for not being perfect in any and everything.  If I was working towards something, I was too busy to feel the pain of unworthiness. If I was beating myself up for being able to do better, I was creating a distraction from the pain, much easier to handle than the pain I was running from, (or it was controlled and I was under the illusion it was better).

For years I constantly beat myself up, which dulled my lower emotions, but it also dulled the positive ones. I wasn’t able to get deep in my relationships, because I was numb from living this way. I had taken on this survival technique when I was little that allowed me to escape the dysfunction of my environment. It was my cocoon, that turned into a source of pain that I could control as an adult. Because isn’t pain better, if you are the source of it? I operated from this place for so long, I didn’t know my inner voice from the one I had created to survive. Over the past few years I’ve stripped away these layers of pain and protection, don’t get me wrong I still have a long ways to go. By stripping this away, my inner voice has gotten louder.

I can distinguish my inner voice from my survival mode because one makes me feel free and serves me to be the best version of myself, and the other leaves me feeling caged and empty. I still have the tendencies to spread myself thin and to run to peanut butter chocolate anything when the lower emotions of stress, sadness and anxiety come up. However, I know that the keys to my kingdom lie in slowing down, meditating, journaling, spending time with friends and family that bring out my best, spending time in nature, with my maker and by including a whole lot of laughter into my life. Honoring my inner voice means saying no, even when I feel I may let someone down, in resting when I need the rest, and in choosing activities that provide joy and fun. I listen to my body and if I am asked to do something and have a heavy or wrong feeling in response to it within my body, it means it’s not for me. If it feels right and light, I know that it will serve me to become involved.

I am certain that had I continued on the path of starving my soul, I would never have had a full life, the life I was created to live. I would pass this pattern down to my children. I would get to the end of my time here with many regrets, a whole lot of sadness and holding more pain than I could manage. Learning how to cope with lower emotions is a process and one that I continue to work on. However, I’ve been able to feel the high ones, once again. The beauty of life lies in the contrast between the low and the high emotions. The only way for me to be my best version and to serve the world from the fullest place possible is to continuously listen to my inner voice. To honor, cherish and love it. I can tell you that this road has been the most challenging I have ever chosen, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my life these days. Each day I am inspired to create amazing moments and help others to do the same. Are you being lead by your wound or your spirit? Join me on the only road to true fulfillment, friends!

Ask Better Questions

For years I asked myself questions that had me focusing on my limited belief system of not being good enough. Questions like: Why does everything have to be a struggle? Why do I keep falling short? Why does everyone seem to manage their life better than me?

You see, these questions drove my focus for years. They drove me to constantly look for evidence of why I wasn’t good enough. They reinforced my feelings of defeat and inadequacy. They reinforced a story about a woman who was a victim and would never be the hero of her own life, had she continued asking herself these questions.

Whatever questions you ask, your brain will want to support and look for evidence to confirm. If you are asking yourself, “Why do these bad things keep happening to me?” It will look for proof of the bad things that are happening in your life. Other common questions in our culture are: Why can’t I have the perfect body or look ageless? Why can’t I have as much money and success as my neighbors? 
Why is the world getting worse; more war, famines, etc.? The answers to these questions will leave each and every one of us feeling disempowered and a victim in our lives.

It is important to keep in mind that the brain always wants to be efficient and up to something. If we don’t take charge and direct it, it will start running on survival mode and will have you focusing on any potential threats to its survival. Although we no longer have saber tooth tigers chasing us, we may as well still have them when it comes to our brain. Our brains machinery is intended to help us survive. However, in order to thrive we must manage our minds diligently.

My challenge to you is to identify the questions you are asking yourself on a regular basis. Are they supporting a life that you want to create or are they default questions that you’ve been asking for years that aren’t serving you? The questions you ask yourself shape and construct your story, your legacy, and your life.

These days I am asking myself questions that leave me feeling inspired, empowered and ready to take on the world. Questions like; how can I create more joy in every moment? What can I do today that will support me to be the best version of myself? How can I leave everyone that I interact with more inspired? How can I create a moment with my family today that will be a treasured one?